Lord of the Prime Ministers: A Fractured Fairytale
by NiceBananas
Summary: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. . . Holy Crap, we are such nerds". --Big Bang Theory


So, this is a fractured fairytale I made for School since my teacher said LOTR counts as a fairytale. She only gave us 5 days, so it's a bit rushed (I SLAVED OVER IT OTL). I haven't really written anything before this, so sorry if it's just horrible. ; A;

This is more based on the movie because I haven't read the books in a long long time. And there's probably some errors along here. I never have time to edit it.

* * *

**The Ring**

Frodo and Sam had been best friends since they were only three feet tall after realizing they had many things in common. Now as adults, they admired nature and loved festive songs. In addition, both stood at five foot two and absolutely adored hockey. Yet of course, they had their differences. The two lived in a mostly Italian neighborhood in Canada, The Shire, where everyone was short and had either blond or brown hair. Sam's family, the Gamgees, came from Ireland, the origin of his head of curly, reddish hair.

After the two had finished college, Sam planned to propose to Frodo's twin sister, Rosie. Being the manager of Tim Hortons (Canadian equivalent to Dunkin Donuts), he did not receive good pay, and had plenty of trouble buying a ring. But Frodo, being his best friend and soon-to-be brother-in-law, decided to get a ring for him.

"Frodo, may I speak with you?" asked Gandalf. Gandalf, friend of Frodo's uncle Bilbo, was at his house along with other friends and relatives for Bilbo's 'eleventy-first' birthday. His uncle Bilbo had moved to Canada when he was about twenty from Italy, and was known for talking with a heavy accent.

Frodo separated from his little social circle to join Gandalf in the empty kitchen. Gandalf stroked his long white beard, and, being an undercover cop, had a walkie-talkie, which bulged out of his side pocket.

"Yes?" Frodo asked once they got out of hearing and seeing range of the other guests. Gandalf took out a folded letter with a red, waxed seal and handed it over to Frodo, who took it with care. "What is this?"

"Open it," Gandalf replied, smirking as if sharing a secret. Frodo opened the letter and there inside was a golden ring. Soon smiling himself, he picked it up and examined it.

"That's not all," Gandalf was practically beaming, "Hold it over a flame."

Frodo turned on the gas stove, holding the ring with metal tongs. When the tongs grew too hot, he dropped them and the ring on the counter. The ring appeared to be glowing, and he could see a fire-red maple leaf, surrounded by carving. Frodo read it aloud. "O Canada," he whispered, "…O Canada? What?"

"It's Bilbo's. I assumed it would be appropriate," said Gandalf.

Frodo nodded. "Oh, yes. It's perfect. What size you suppose it is, eh?"

"Don't ask me, I don't know ring sizes."

"It seems a bit small, but it'll work." He put it on his own finger. "See? It fits me, and I have the same ring size as Rosie." They both chuckled and the smaller man went to take it off, but it wouldn't budge. Gandalf noticed his eyes widening in panic.

"Don't tell me—" he started.

"No, no, I got it, eh! Just got to pull a little harder. Here, you try." He held up his hand to Gandalf, who pulled. Before they knew it, they were both forcing their weight opposite ways, trying to take it off. "Oh, forget it. It's not going to budge," a now red-faced Frodo announced. Now in the living room, he sat on a couch and covered his face with his hands. Gandalf sat next to him.

"Oh, don't worry my boy. We can go to a blacksmith tomorrow to take it off. Just wear gloves until then." He let out a laugh as he patted Frodo's back.

"This is _so_ embarrassing!" he said, frustrated and throwing his head against the couch, making it shift backwards slightly.

"Ow!" A voice from behind the furniture cried out with pain. The two peered over to see Sam crouching on the floor, holding his head.

"Sam!" Frodo exclaimed nervously.

"What are you doing here?" Gandalf asked sternly.

"Well, I-I was going to the bathroom and I accidentally walked in on you two, so I just hid until…" a stuttering Sam quickly explained.

"You're going to have to come with us now, aren't you?" Gandalf said, wrapping an arm around each of the shoulders of the two men.

"But tomorrow is bro's night out! How are we supposed to explain it to our bros?" Sam asked.

Frodo and Sam glanced at Gandalf. "They can all come with us, I suppose. We can ride in my fellowship van."

"I guess that's good," Frodo said. Bro's night out was never cancelled, for anything. The 'bros' consisted of Aragorn, a nerdy geek who worked in a video game store and played RPG games in his mother's basement, Legolas, a flirty French model, Gimli, who was…British, Boromir and Faramir, rich and snobby brothers who claim to be royalty, and, finally Merry and Pippin, who can be best described as being 'high off of life', consistently getting into trouble. "We can all meet at the Rivendell Mall. Lucky for us, all the others are here," said Frodo.

"Legolas had a photoshoot today, so he couldn't make it," Sam reminded.

"Oh, that's right. I'll text him or something later. Sam, can you ask Merry and Pippin for me, and Gandalf, can you ask Faramir and Boromir for me? I'll tell Aragorn and Gimli," said Frodo. They all agreed and left to tell the others.

Somewhere else in their little Italian-Canadian neighborhood, in the basement of one of the bunch of pizzerias sat men with business suits and sunglasses. The glasses weren't necessary due to lack of sun, but they thought it look cool, so they wore them anyway. One of them, sitting in front of a green screen, spoke up.

"Boss, the ring has been put on," he said, pointing to the blinking yellow dot on the screen. The boss, who was the only one wearing a black bowler hat, sat up from his desk and walked over to the screen.

"And where is it?" the man inquired.

"We will approach tomorrow. Bring the portable detector with you, Michael," he announced, walking back to his desk.

"Yes, boss," he said, spinning back around to face the screen.

Back at the party, Frodo had texted Legolas and approached Aragorn and Gimli. They were talking about Harry Potter or something.

"When's the next movie coming out?" Aragorn asked, pushing up his thick-framed glasses.

"We've gone through this before, you bloody idiot. Just because I'm British doesn't mean that I personally know J.K. Rowling."

"England's such a small country. Anyone would have assumed that everyone knows everyone over there," Aragorn replied. Gimli smacked his hand against his forehead and shook his head.

"Hey guys!" Frodo broke in.

"Good day, lad. Is there anything you need?" asked Gimli.

"Yeah. Sam, Gandalf and I are going to a blacksmith tomorrow. We're going to ask the rest of the bros to come with us in Gandalf's fellowship van. Do you guys want to come with? I mean, that'll count as bros night, eh?"

"That's fine with me. I'm a week ahead in World of Warcraft and can afford to miss a day. I didn't get the new Pokémon Black or White yet, but I can get both games on Sunday while I'm working," Aragorn cheerfully replied.

"I won't get a chance to be British at Starbucks tomorrow since it's closed, so I might as well come," Gimli added.

"Great! Meet you two at ten at the Rivendell mall, then!" Frodo said, waving and leaving.

"Sure thing, Captain Baggins!" Aragorn call dafter him.

Frodo went back to the kitchen and nibbled on some Swiss cheese and chocolate when Sam came back with Gandalf.

"We're set!" Sam said, clapping his hands together.

"Same here," the taller man replied.

"Great. The two can make it, so see you guys tomorrow?"

"They departed and went back to the party. Soon, the cake came out and people started to sing Happy Birthday. After a while, the sun rose and people started to go home. Frodo put a past-out Bilbo to bed. He then lay in his own bed himself for a few hours.

_ Always I want to be with you, and make believe with you and live in harmony, harmony, oh, love!_

His cell phone rang out and vibrated. Flipping open his phone, he found one new voice message. He put it against his ear to listen. A familiar voice could be heard out of its speaker.

"Sure thing, mon ami!"

** Escape from the Shire**

Frodo only got three hours of sleep, but he didn't mind much. Before he went to his bus stop, he stopped at Tim Hortons. There on the window was an advertisement for their latest donut, the Candy Bar Supreme, which was topped with M&Ms. It was a long, rectangular, glazed donut with chocolate frosting. He cringed in disgust, but when he saw how many calories, it had (three-hundred ten), he practically ran inside. He ordered two, along with a cup of coffee. As soon as he got both his treat and drink, he sat down and took a bite. Yum, it was like eating diabetes. He took another bite.

"Are you seriously eating that? It's going to kill you," Sam said, sitting in the seat across from him.

"Boo et n-lee as ee hounded carros…"

"What? Don't talk with your mouth full, it's gross."

Frodo swallowed and repeated himself. "But it's only three-hundred calories."

"Then how does getting two make things any better?"

"It's the breakfast of champions, eh." Sam gave him a look. "Okay, you have one then."

Frodo handed one of rot Sam, who hesitated, but took it, and had a bite.

"Whoa, this is really good," he stated.

"See? Now give it back, I paid for it." Frodo cried, flailing his hands in Sam's face, who just shooed them away.

"We had better get going then, if we want to catch the bus," Sam announced, getting up, coffee in one hand and Frodo's elbow in the other. He dragged his friend out of the store and they headed off up the street. The bus stop was just around the corner from Tim Hortons, so they only needed to walk a short distance.

"I would love to have your job, Sam. Do you get discounts off donuts or coffee or something?" Frodo asked.

"Yeah, but you get tired of it after a while. I'll have something once a month or two. " They rounded the corner and saw Merry and Pippin sitting on the waiting bench. Frodo sat next to Merry.

"Frodo, my man!" Merry said, throwing an arm around his shoulder. Pippin frantically waved hello to Sam, who sat on the opposite end of the bench and nodded in acknowledgment

"Let's see that ring of yours, shall we?" he asked. Frodo put his hand up to show it off. Yup, it was still there. Pippin leaned forward to get a better look. He snickered.

"Your finger looks like a sausage," he exclaimed, giggling some more. Frodo chose to ignore Pippin's outburst.

"What's so special about it?" Merry asked.

"Well, in the fire, it has some engraving on it . . . and a maple leaf." At this, Merry let go of Frodo and he and Pippin went into a fit of giggles. Frodo frowned and Sam didn't find the subject as funny, but he couldn't help but laugh at the two men who were now practically gasping for air on the floor.

"Oh god, seriously?" Merry asked.

"Oh, oh. I have a lighter. Let's see what happens." Pippin snorted has he leaned over Merry, moving the lighter dangerously close to Frodo's finger. He nervously batted the lit object away.

"Hey, be careful where you put that thing, eh," he said. The other two laughed it off while Frodo and Sam sighed.

"What is so humorous?" Aragorn asked, stepping behind the bench.

"My ring has a maple lead on it," Frodo explained. Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"Does it? May I see?"

"I would, but then I would have to take it off and light it on fir- ow!" Something had hit him on the head. The object fell to the ground and Sam bent down to pick it up.

"A pebble? Why- ow!" a pebble had hit Sam as well. Soon enough, hundreds of pebbles were being shot in their directions, so they quickly joined Aragorn behind the bench.

"Not to fear, my little Hobbits!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Hey, we aren't that short," Sam butted in.

"I can win this battle." Aragorn took out a plastic light-saber that he had been carrying around in his backpack. He stood up and started swinging the glowing stick blindly, trying to make the pebbles bounce off. "Take that you - Ah! Son of-"

"This is so fun!" Pippin cut in. "Hey, hey Merry. Let's play peekaboo." He and Merry started to stand up as well, but Frodo guided them back down.

Soon the pebbles stopped coming and Aragorn fell down.

"Ya' dropped these, buddy," Merry informed, giving him a pair of thick glasses that was split down the middle. Aragorn received it painfully.

"Oh gosh, not again. Does anyone have tape?" he asked.

"I'll go back to Timmy's to get some," Sam announced, running back.

"So, did you see who were throwing them?" Frodo asked the man who was playing with his now two new halves of glasses.

"All I have seen was a black limo and the people inside wore black shades."

"Oh, I know them! They're in the Mafia. The police took their guns away last week or something since one of them got caught drunk and shooting at a tree in the children's park. We introduced them to rock machines. They can really do damage if shot from close enough," said Merry.

"And may I ask how you know this?" asked Frodo.

"Well, we were in the tree of course!" Pippin chirped.

"I'm not even going ask why," Aragorn said, giving a nervous laugh.

Sam ran back with some tape and handed it to Aragorn, who tapped his glasses back together.

"Hey guys. The bus has been here for a while. Let's get on before it goes away," Frodo announced. He and Sam threw out their empty coffee cups and the 5 out of 9 bros went on the bus and headed off to the Rivendell Mall.

** The Fellowship Van**

The ride that felt like hours only lasted 20 minutes in reality. There were 9 different conversations at one time and Pippin fell asleep on a grossed out Aragorn. When they arrived, they stepped outside and walked towards JC Penny's where they saw Gandalf and his van.

"Are you ready, men? Gimli called shot-gun, but everyone else is inside the back." They nodded and hopped inside.

"_Oh, moon ami!_ It has been a long time, has it been not?" Legolas greeted Aragorn with two kisses on both his cheeks. His long blond side bangs were braided and pulled back by a clip, which made him look even more feminine that he already was. He's one of those heavy skinny people. A slim perfect frame, but almost impossible to carry or even pick up. He couldn't even swim because he was so dense.

"Yes, but it has only been two weeks," Aragorn reminded him. The Fellowship Van had to seats in the front for the driver and the passenger, and a large open space in the back. Who needs seat belts when you have iron walls? The only thing in there was a tandem bicycle. Everyone sat down on the floor and Gandalf took off.

Boromir approached Frodo who sat alone in the back corner. "May I see your ring, Mr. Baggins?" he asked. Frodo sighed. People were going to ask him this all day, weren't they?

"Sure, but you need fire to see the writing and pictures. Right now it just looks like a regular gold ring, eh."

"Fire? . . What picture is it of? And the writing?"

"Well, it's a picture of a read Maple leaf mad it says O' Canad-"

"Brother, come here. Now!" he yelled, and Faramir came right over. "His ring, it's the Prime Minister ring," he stated.

Faramir's eyes widened. "Which one?"

"Canada's." And right there, Faramir fainted. No one bothered to catch him, so he thumped down on the floor pretty hard.

"Are you chaps all right back there?" asked Gimli.

"Alright? We are more than alright. We are fantastic. Mr. Baggins here has the Canadian Prime Minister Ring!" The room was silent until Merry asked "The What?"

"You mean you guys don't know? The one ring that rules them all? No?" Still no reply. "Oh my goodness. Oh my. Well, since you people do not know the story, I guess I will have to tell it to you.

_ About 200 years ago, America asked Canada if they would like to gain independence from Great Britain with them. And how everyone knows, the Canadians refused. They didn't want independence. No, not just yet. Before they did, they would have to get ready because once they did, they planned to take over the world. Luckily, they didn't fight as much as they expected for the independence once they got it. As a "gift of acknowledgement", the Canadians sent out 6 different rings to European countries. One to England, one to Russia, one to Italy, one to Greece, one to Norway, and one to Spain. The rings which bore the flag of the said country was given to the Prime Minister at that time. The Canadians made the master ring, the Red Maple, and gave it to their own Prime Minister. This ring was the one ring that ruled them all. It controlled what all the leaders did. All the decisions they made. But one day, this ring vanished, and it hasn't been seen since. _

". . . And?" asked Pippin once the story was over.

"Well, Mr. Took, we can return the missing ring and possibly get a cash reward, or we can sell it at a pawn shop."

"Okay, we are going to have to take a vote," Gandalf announced, pulling over to he side of the road. He and Gimli turned around in their seats. "Raise your hands if you want to return the ring." Sam raised his hand, but then slowly put it back at his side. "And hands up if you want to sell it." Everyone else raised their hands. "I'm assuming Boromir's vote also counts as Faramir's, so majority rules." Gandalf started the car again.

"Samwise Gamgee, you are the weakest link. Good bye," said Merry as Pippin frantically waved a bye.

"So, we must go to a, how you would say, a pawn shop, _non_? " asked Legolas.

"Oh course, you git. Didn't you even listen to the man?" said Gimli.

"Well, what else do you think I was doing _Monsieur_?" Legolas smirked, adding "Tiny Dancer."

"Oh, that's it!" Gimli shouted, climbing over the passenger seat, but got pushed down by Gandalf.

"Not in my van you won't," he warned.

"Oh dear, that wasn't a gentleman's thing to do, now was it?" Legolas teased. Gimli turned read and crossed his arms.

"I'm going to get you back, one of these days. So you better watch out," he grumbled.

"You keep believing that _mon cher_," Legolas replied, giving him a wink.

"I find you two highly amusing. Did you know that?" said Aragorn, who was the only one laughing.

"_Merci_. I try my best." Legolas gave his hair a little flip.

"Guys, getting back on topic here, does anyone know where the nearest pawn shop is at?" Frodo asked.

"Well, perhaps there is one at the Old Woods? If not, then the Gondor Mall. It's around where I live," suggested Boromir.

"Gosh, your house is so big! When we are finished with this adventure, we should totally have like . . a sleep over!" said Pippin. No one argued.

"The Old Woods Mall, eh? Let's try that one out first," said Frodo.

"Isn't there a short cut from here to it?" asked Sam.

"Yes, there is one that cuts throughout my family's graveyard," said Gimli.

"Oh, let's go there then, shall we?" chirped Legolas. It took a while, but they finally made it to the cemetery. The van was a bit too large for the driveway, so they agreed meet Gandalf on the other side. Boromir woke up his brother and followed everyone into the cemetery. Frodo was the last to head out, but before he did, Gandalf gestured him to come over.

"Here boy, wear this under your hoodie," he said, giving Frodo a metallic shirt.

"What is this?" Frodo asked, putting it on.

"It's a mythril vest. It acts as a bullet proof wall," he explained. Frodo thanked him, and ran off with the others.

"Was this really necessary, guys?" asked Gimli.

"Yes, I suppose it is necessary. Most non fantasy adventure games I have played have creepy things like ghosts in them, " Aragorn stated. Faramir crossed his arms.

"But thus is not a video game, now is it?" he asked.

"Well, for all we know, this can be a very advanced Sims game that the play had put on free will. One day we can look up and see those glowing green diamonds. In the Sims, the Sims can play sims," said Aragorn.

"Yeah yeah, we know. And in Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you," said Pippin, who highfived Merry. Aragorn gave them a glare. The bros started their way through the cemetery. Gimli looked straight ahead, trying not to read the names of his dead relatives' graves. When they said it was a short cut, it really was. It only took about three minutes to walk through it and they found Gandalf waving on the other side. They walked a little fast to catch up with the old man, but he signaled them to stop. Confused, the group kept on going but stopped in their tracks when they saw Gandalf drop on his knees and then to the floor. Frodo was the first one to react.

"Gandalf!" he yelled, running to him.

"No, stop Mr. Baggins!" warned Boromir as Sam tackled Frodo to the ground. As soon as anyone realized what was going on, rocks were being pelted at them from both sides.

"Leave, now," Gandalf whispered. Both Frodo and Sam heard and ran to the van, the others soon following. Frodo got hit right outside the van and curled in a fetal position, holding his stomach and blocking the entrance.

"Really, Frodo, really?" asked Aragorn. He scooped him up and tossed him into the van. Everyone else went in their same positions in the car except Aragorn now sat at the driver's seat. He started the car and drove out of there. "Someone check on Frodo, will you?"

Legolas crawled over and lifted his shirt, revealing the mythril vest. He furrowed eyebrows. "Do not act like you're dying unless there is actually blood. You're practically wearing armor," he said.

"I know, but it's like childbirth," Frodo whined, rolling around on the floor.

"I high highly doubt that it hurts like _that_. You'll have do deal with it, darling," said Legolas. He pulled his shirt back down and crawled to the front, behind Gimli's seat.

"You guys do realize we left Gandalf there for the mafia?" asked Sam.

"Yeah, he's a cop, he'll figure out what to do," said Merry. The bros sat in silence until they reached the Old Woods Mall. Here we are! Now Boromir, where in here is that pawnshop of yours? " asked Aragorn when everyone was out of the van.

"On the second floor, I believe. Right next to Macys." They ran up the steps and looked at the mall's map.

"I can not tell. Is this the west side. . . or the south?" asked Gimli.

"Well, we entered through Model's, so it must be the west?" suggested Sam. "So of we walk down this path, there would be Macys?"

Frodo shrugged. "It's worth the try." They headed down the hall and what do you know? There it was. Borimir approached Frodo once again.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Baggins, but may I see your ring one more time?" he asked. "It's stuck one, correct. I'll see if we can . . take it off."

"Oh, uh sure. Go ahead, eh," said, Frodo, holding up his hand once again. Instead of pulling at it, he twisted the ring off Frodo's finger. "Woah, this is great!"

"Yes. This is great." Boromir said. He wanted to put it on so badly. It seemed like it was calling to him. Slowly, he put it on his finger and felt a wave of energy.

"Hey, what are you doing, it's going to get stuck!" Frodo whispered loudly, snatching back his ring.

"Great, I can see it. It's the one called Gem." Faramir announced. He looked down at his watch. "And it's only 11."

". . . Eleven? Oh, this isn't good. Run into the store!" Legolas exclaimed, running a head of them.

"But why?" asked Frodo.

"Don't ask, just do!" he yelled. They began to move, but it was too late. The doors of Macys open and the loud speaker started to speak.

"**Only today, on Macys' one day sale, for Mother's Day! Hurry, don't miss incredible deals on brands you love everyday and value.**" As if on cue, hundreds of people came out through other stores to rush into Macys.

"_Oh, I see how it is_," everyone thought before they started to run for safety. When they reached inside they looked outside the window to see a mob of people.

"Whoa," Merry and Pippin said in unison.

"Okay, let's do a head count. I'll point to you and say a number, one" said Aragorn.

"Two."

"Three."

"Four"

"Five"

"Six"

"Seven"

"Eight"

". . . "

"Nine, where's nine?" Aragorn asked. "Where's Boromir?" Frodo shifted his eyes. The two of them weren't really paying attention to Legolas, so they didn't hear him when he said to run.

"The lad must still be out there," Gimli thought.

"Ah! What if he got trampled?" asked Faramir, panicking.

"That's a risk we are going to have take~" Merry laughed, going deeper into the store. The rest followed and Frodo kept the ring in his pocket. They reached the back where an old man sat, polishing a shoe. He smiled once he noticed the presence of the eight men.

"Hello, may I help you boys with anything?" he greeted.

"Yes," said Frodo, stepping forward, "Do you accept rings?"

"I'm sorry, my dear boy, but I don't. Any jewelry is fine, except rings. I don't want them to have an unknown size so they could get stuck one someone's finger. Wouldn't want that, now would you?" the man replied. Frodo nervously chuckled. "Well. . .do you have a spare piece of string I can use?" he asked.

"Oh, yes of course. Three dollars."

"Seriously?" The man nodded. Without a word, they all turned about face and headed out of the shop. By the time they got out, the crowd was gone and Boromir was still nowhere to be seen.

"You need string, _mon cher_? Here, have a strand of my hair. It is surly long and strong enough." Legolas picked a strand of hair. Frodo thanked him and tied his ring on his neck like a necklace.

"I guess we will have to leave Boromir here then?" asked Sam.

"Yes, we have no time to loose. He'll understand," said Aragorn. When they went back downs stairs and out the mall, they found their van with dents all along the back part.

"Oho! Good thing Gandalf isn't here to see this," said Pippin. Aragorn took a peek inside the back.

"It's pretty beat up. Now there's only room for about four people in the back. Does anyone mind squeezing in?" he asked.

"Well isn't there a bike in the back? Sam and I can ride it and meet you at Gondor," suggested Frodo.

"That could work," Gimli agreed. Faramir went in and pulled out a tandem bicycle. Frodo went on the front seat and Sam hesitated, but went on the back. They waved goodbye, and they both rode away.

**The Bicycle Built for Two **

"Where are we?" asked Sam. He have never seen this neighborhood before. Everything was made of bricks painted with graffiti. "Are we even still in Canada?"

"Oh course we are. We're just. . . a bit lost. I think I took a wrong turn back there, so I'll turn back and try again, eh." Frodo said. They turned their bicycle around and headed up the road.

"Why don't we get directions?" asked Sam.

"No no, I've got it." Ten minutes later snapped.

"Okay, thats it. The next person we see, we're asking for directions."

"Fine fine." Frodo pouted.

"Look, there's someone over there, on that bike. Let's ask."

"But he looks like a Hobo."

"That's great. Then he must know the streets!" Frodo didn't budge. "If you do not turn this bike, I will personally turn it for you. You know I will."

"Fine fine." Frodo said, steering over towards the hobo.

"He -hello." It spoke.

"Hey, I'm Frodo, this is Sam." Sam waved from the back. "We need help going to the Gondor Mall. We need to sell my ring. " He pointed to the golden ring hanging from his neck. "Are we anywhere close to the-" the man reached his hand out to hold the ring.

"My precious!" he rasped.

"Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Dude!" Frodo jumped back. Their two person bike almost made Sam fall over.

"That's my ring. The Canadian Prime Minister Ring. Where did you find it?" the man asked. Frodo protected his ring with his fist.

"No, It's my uncle's. There's nothing special about it. We just need to sell it so we can get a ring that fits my sister," Frodo chuckled nervously.

"The Mafia, they took it from me! To give to Boss Saruman's wife. I lost everything. Are they chasing you now?" Both Frodo and Sam shook their head no.

"Mafia? Pshhh, what Mafia?" said Sam.

"Please, we just need to go to the Gondor Mall so we can sell it," said Frodo. "Can you direct us there?"

"The if you want to sell it, the Gondor Mall will be a waste of time. They don't accept rings. Only the pawn shop at the Mordor mall does."

"Oh, so can you take us there? I don't think we've ever been there before," said Frodo. He usually wasn't so far away from the Shire.

Yes, but it's in a h-horrible neighborhood. " he croaked.

"Like the states?" asked Sam.

". . . Sure? Well anyways, Golem is his name." He coughed in his hand and went to shake theirs. Frodo gave Sam a "This is all your fault" look and shook his hand.

"Th-thank you Golem," he said, eye twitching.

"Mordor! Mordor! It is this way, follow Golem, and you will see." He announced, mounting his bike.

Frodo turned back to wipe his hand on Sam's shirt. "Ew, gross! Do you have purell?."

"Oh, thank you for that present. Yes, but not now, drive," he replied. Looking disgustedly at his own shirt as he and Frodo started to petal.

"Smigel, he has the ring," Golem whispered to himself. "The short ones have the ring. My ring."

"No Golem. Our ring," he whispered back.

" Yes. Our ring. Our precious. We need it back."

"And you will lead them where?"

"To Mordor. The Mafia basically runs the place." He started to laugh.

Sam squinted as he tilted his head to the side. "Dude, I think he's talking to himself."

"Go ask the hobo, you said. We need directions, you said. Your brought this upon yourself, eh. I said I had it, man," Frodo Grumbled.

"But he said they wouldn't take the ring there remember? Now we're actually going to the right place." There was science.

"I have to go to the bathroom, Sam."

"Right now? There's no places around here."

"Yeah."

"Okay." He stopped peddling. "Oi, Golem. Frodo has to use the bathroom. Can we stop for a second?"

He stopped. "Yes?"

Frodo hopped of the bike and rand behind a tree.

Sam stared at Golem. He had large eyes and his hair was thinning. Nothing about him him was flattering. One could almost see his bones through his skin.

"The fat one is looking at us," said Golem. He turned his back toward Sam.

"Stop talking, and maybe he won't"

"Yes, that is a good idea." He turned back to see a confused Sam.

"Yeah, I'm not going to ask," he told him. The stood in awkward silence until Frodo came back.

"Thanks for waiting, guys. Let's go." They went back on their bikes and rode off again. After twenty minutes, Frodo sighed and stopped. "I don't know about you, but I'm seriously bored and I don't want the Mafia chasing after me anymore. This bike ride is taking forever. You know what?" Frodo took off the ring and threw it at Golem, which bounced off him and fell on the floor. "You can have that ring if you want. I'll get you a new one, Sam." Golem scrambled off his bike to hold the ring with both of his hands. On his knees, he lifted the ring in the air.

"My precious." Two men in black suits and sunglasses came from behind a tree. They went on both sides of Golem and carried him away by the arms. "I've got it!" he yelled, not noticing the two men.

**The Return of the Prince of Switzerland**

Frodo took out his phone when he went home. He had resized that he had left the others at the Gondor Mall. He dialed Aragorn's number.

"Hey, man. Sorry we ditched you guys," said Frodo.

"Oh don't worry. We didn't end up at the mall anyway. Merry and Pippin got sidetracked and saved the trees, Gandalf came back, turns out he had heat burn, his hair is white now. He gets old pretty fast."

Frodo smiled. "Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah. And the rest of us saved the town of Gondor from getting destroyed."

"That's great, eh. Anything else?"

"Yeah, we are going to have a sleepover at Faramir's. Boromir might show up soon. And you?

"Well, Sam and I met a bipolar hobo and he tried to take us to the Mordor Mall, I got bored, gave him the ring, and the mafia took him away, eh."

"Well, I'm glad it worked out."

"Me too."

"Oh! I almost forgot. I also found out that I am the air to the thrown in Switzerland." Aragorn added.

"They have royalty there?"

"Now there is."

"Good luck with that," Frodo chuckled, "Good luck."

The End

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Ah, you read all the way through? I love you. ; A; It would be awesome if you can review and tell me how horrible it was.


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